"Nobby" Heidegger captains Germany against Greece with the surprising presence of Archimedes in the line-up. Manager Martin Luther brings in Marx as Nietzsche is expelled for his third booking in four matches, this time for accusing referee Confucius of having no free will.
This is a match in which a lot of thinking happens and the ball remains stationary until Archimedes has his, wait for it, "eureka" moment. He kicks the ball and passes to Socrates who scores. Hegel launches a protest arguing "that the reality of Socrates' goal is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, while Kant holds that, ontologically, the goal existed only in the imagination via the categorical imperative"
If only football were really like that.